lilyofthevalley

Monday, September 24, 2007

its been a while

when i first started this blog, i was very much in love with this young man that i met online. 3 years ago. i remember the pain of having to give him up. because of the distance, because of the timing, because i wasnt ready.

within those 3 years ive grown a lot. as a person, a woman, a christian. it was a good journey. it seemed that God just waited for me to ripen and be ready for a good harvest. he gave me my 'isaac' back. (read the first few entries 3 years ago) what a wonderful gift.

it is surreal, that i met my husband online. the same boy i fell in love with 3 years ago is now a man, who pursued and hunted me. how could i say no? i fell in love with him even more. and this time, i know in my heart he is mine. and i gave my heart to him.

it is a romantic fairy tale. but life is not a fairy tale. in fact, its far from it. theres no magic and instant solutions. life is about hoping and having faith. a lot of waiting. im a married woman now. most of the entries in this blog is from a single woman, wondering what married life would be. a woman desiring a relationship from God. a woman who became desperate then regained hope. now, she is thankful and happy to be married.

but life does not end by saying 'i dos'. theres more challenge now. i feel that im constantly attacked in my brain. stupid thoughts that affect my relationship with my husband. i feel that im being bullied. like a little girl in school, quiet and timid, very nice. but the same 'niceness' made her vulnerable to bullies. she is not doing anything to hurt them but nonetheless they want to hurt her. im the little girl and the devil is the bully. for a while i put up with his bullying. but not anymore. as time goes on, and the reality of married life kicks in, im learning to fight and stand up to my bullies.

i desired to be loved. and now that i have that, someone wants to take that away. the enjoyment of knowing you are loved unconditionally and the security of that. i know this is only the beginning. but im ready for the attacks. im ready to fight, and this time, im not on my own. i have my prince, my knight in shining armour to protect me in battle. and then im back to my fairy tale again.

Posted at 06:42 pm by lilymae
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Saturday, March 24, 2007

restless

today, i just cried and cried and cried and cried. i cried till i cant see anything anymore on the street while im driving. the kind of crying when you feel something is being hammered in your heart. this is what vulnerability is. is it?

i dont know what to feel. i just dont know anymore. im so tired. i just cant afford to give my heart away anymore. at least what is left of it. i want to keep it til it is pursued again. i want love, is that too much to ask. maybe, it is an expensive thing for anyone to give, even me.

Posted at 06:59 pm by lilymae
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Thursday, March 22, 2007

You Communicate Like a Man

When you communicate, you like to get to the point.
You're not afraid to say what's on your mind - and leave it at that.
Talking about your emotions drains you. You rather keep them to yourself.
You prefer solving problems to wallowing in your sorrows.

You Are 20% Misanthropic

You're definitely not misanthropic - in fact, you're probably a people person.
While you may get annoyed with the world from time to time, you remember that everyone's only human!

You Have Your Emotions in Check

You are an incredibly stable and happy person.
Ever consider being a therapist?
You have figured out how to keep a positive outlook, no matter what.
You don't have an easier life than anyone else. You just have figured things out a little more.

You Are 62% Open

You're a pretty open person - and you don't mind sharing the good, bad, and sometimes ugly.
And while sometimes you do catch yourself blabbing on, you usually exhibit restraint.
You're openness is quite refreshing, and it encourages other people to be open with you!

You Are 42% Angry

Generally, you are not an angry person.
But you're easily frustrated and enraged. You have one heck of a temper.
And because of your anger, you tend to feel resentful and even spiteful.
You already know how to quell your anger. You just need to do it more often.

Posted at 04:40 pm by lilymae
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Saturday, March 03, 2007

24 Feb 2007

I just got engaged to the beautiful man. It was a perfect proposal. The funky seaside town of Brighton in a wintery day. The sun was shining for a few minutes. Me and the love of my life sitting on the pebbly seashore, cuddling. Then he recited out a poem, the most romantic, well thought of poem with words no poet could match. A poem that ended with the question, 'Will you marry me?' A very beautiful, glistening ring was put on my finger after I said 'YES!'. My life will never be the same again. I found my prince and will be spending the rest of my life with him. :) Thank you lord, he is worth the 26 year wait.

Posted at 09:14 pm by lilymae
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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

valentines poem

It is a profound feeling

That I’ve never felt before

It radiated hope in my heart

Sorrow, oh sorrows of the past

They are now gone

Vanished before me

By your replenishing desire

To be one

To be part of my life

I want to succumb to you

And be an ever trusting lover

I want you to lead my heart

To a vast adventure

Unknown to me

Take my hand, my dearest

Rescue me from my old self

The self who was deeply lost

And bring me back to life

A simple word from you

And I’m silent

Your touch is a river of sensations

That drowns me with ecstasy

Your love

Uncovers my mystery

I am fully known

Exposed

But you take care of me

I am here right now

And every part of me

Craves for you

I am here right now

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Longing

I am here right now

Loving, loving, loving

You forever

Posted at 07:07 pm by lilymae
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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

a very good thing

I am in love with a very beautiful man.

Posted at 09:38 pm by lilymae
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Wednesday, December 06, 2006

wuhoo!

Your Inner European is Swedish!

Relaxed and peaceful.
You like to kick back and enjoy life.

You Are 88% Happy

It's unlikely that you know anyone happier than you.
You know how to be happy, no matter what life throws at you.

You Should Drive a Ford Shelby Mustang Cobra

You have an extreme need for speed, even when you're not in a hurry.
And while your flying by, you don't want to look like every other car on the road!

Your Chances of Being a Multimillionaire: 72%

You have a good chance of being a multimillionaire. Better than most people.
You simply have a natural knack for money and the personality for success.

You Are 96% Ready for Marriage

This doesn't mean you should rush out and get married...
But if you did tie the knot, it would probably work out great!

Posted at 07:37 pm by lilymae
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Thursday, November 30, 2006

anger

im so angry, i want to throw pots and pans and scream and escape somewhere!!!!

Posted at 10:32 am by lilymae
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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

stillness

'for God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline'.

2 tim 1:7

i hate being out of control. i cant control the changes thats happening in my life. eg new flat. so i got to deal with that. calmly.

burst into tears.....

ive never been this emotional for a while. i hate being out of control, again i said it. i hate it. i dont like the fact that the person that i truly like can walk away or be taken away anytime. i have such an immense fear inside. this person has my heart and it can be crushed. all i have left is trust - something that ive not given away for a long time.

i am definitely not in my comfort zone anymore. the comfort zone where my heart is guarded, untouched, and stable. in that zone it is also stiff, hard, and was not functioning properly. it is now out in the open. (blow nose) in a territory that is not very familiar. it is scared but unlike in the past, someone is beside me. and ive never been so happy.

i hate not knowing what the future holds. but God said in Jeremiah 29:11, he knows my future and it is good. i suppose this person has drawn me closer to God. i dont have anything to fall back into, i dont have a back up plan except that whatever happens im in Gods hands.

i want to rid myself of fear. i want it to go away so badly, to enjoy this person no matter what. to just live life. to live a normal 26 year old life. where i am loved, and i love, and the burden is not on me.

i am thankful Lord, daddy i am thankful. please please, comfort me.

Posted at 04:36 pm by lilymae
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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

what i learned today

YET TRUE GODLINESS WITH CONTENTMENT IS ITSELF GREAT WEALTH.

1 TIMOTHY 6:6

for me this verse means that no matter who we are in life, we should be contented. whether we are a teacher, gardener, lawyer or cleaner. material richness is not a guarantee for contentment but God is.

Posted at 06:23 pm by lilymae
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