It's been a year since I moved to Seattle.  Now a married woman, life has changed a lot.  Most parts of marriage is exactly as I envisioned it to be.  Cleaning, cooking, ironing, shopping for food, helping my husband with anything he needs help with.  For the most part I have no issues submitting.  There are some incidents where I fight and argue about something but that is a very minimal incident.  And some parts, well not exactly as I expected.  Such as feeling so alone in a different country.  It's been a year and meeting people that I truly connect with is hard.  Meeting lots of nice people was easy, but finding that friend who you can be open with no matter what is hard to find.  When I first moved to London, it took me 6 months to find a good friend and then 2 years to keep really strong Christian friends.

Most of the time I'm with my husband and do stuff with him.  It is so much fun.  Going for walks, travelling together, watching movies, spending weekends with him, food shopping etc.  I'm loving it.  However, there are this instances when I feel so alone.  I miss my parents, my family and friends.  The ones who truly know me are far away.  I just have him and I feel sometimes that I lose myself. 

Situations change and now I have to wait a decent amount of time to do what I really want.  To go to doctoral school and finish my degree.  But will I even be able to do that?  We will have kids at some point, family life will take over.  They will need attention and all that.  I sound so selfish writing this but I feel that I will not have time for my own dreams in the future.  It's hard to study when your husband is around what more kids.  Plus financially, how can you study, stop working and raise kids at the same time.

I'm very vulnerable spiritually too.  Last time I told God that he has cracked a stupid joke at me.  Of course I took it back as soon as I said it.  After all how can I say that to God right?  But that is the good thing about the God that I worship, he loves me and will not hate me if I say my true feelings.  I feel that I'm in a big mess.  It's hard to plan and visualize the future.  I found it so much easier to plan when I was single.  Now I have to take a lot of things into consideration.  I've always been academic.  Now I feel my brain is not challenged at all.  Church has good sermons, but for the most part it sucks.  I'm trying to really like it.  Maybe if I go there long enough something will change.  Something died inside me after I got married.  I dont know what.  Maybe I let it die.  I did because I think that is the right thing to do.  I dont know its hard to explain.  Right now I feel alone.  I hate myself for allowing me to be needy and vulnerable to one person.  I've been taken away far away from my support group.  And of course my husband has his moments of weakness when he can't just show love to me all the time which I constantly need.  This is the time when friends and family come in handy, but guess what?  They are not here!  They're in Europe and Asia!  So last night, I decided not be too needy anymore and stop fearing.  I'll grow up and sort out stuff like I'm single.  To do it as if nobody else is there, just like the old times.  I've been so dependent and complacent allowing one person to rule my life.  I just dont know.  I'm really struggling to work as a team.  Is this going to go on forever?  I'm bored with life, and scared and worried. 

Does it really matter how I feel now anyway? I'm gonna die at some point, all this will be over and I meet God.  My passions died inside me.  I wish I can find a group of people who can understand that.  It seems to me the people here are dull and their lives evolved in one country, one experience.  But that is just my prejudice.  I'm yet to know them.  I maybe just one of them, but I like to just judge.  It's funny how you can have someone and feel so alone. 

when i first started this blog, i was very much in love with this young man that i met online.  3 years ago.  i remember the pain of having to give him up.  because of the distance, because of the timing, because i wasnt ready. 

within those 3 years ive grown a lot.  as a person, a woman, a christian.  it was a good journey.  it seemed that God just waited for me to ripen and be ready for a good harvest.  he gave me my 'isaac' back.  (read the first few entries 3 years ago) what a wonderful gift. 

it is surreal, that i met my husband online.  the same boy i fell in love with 3 years ago is now a man, who pursued and hunted me.  how could i say no?  i fell in love with him even more.  and this time, i know in my heart he is mine.  and i gave my heart to him.

it is a romantic fairy tale.  but life is not a fairy tale.  in fact, its far from it.  theres no magic and instant solutions.  life is about hoping and having faith.  a lot of waiting.  im a married woman now.  most of the entries in this blog is from a single woman, wondering what married life would be.  a woman desiring a relationship from God.  a woman who became desperate then regained hope. now, she is thankful and happy to be married.

but life does not end by saying 'i dos'.  theres more challenge now.  i feel that im constantly attacked in my brain.  stupid thoughts that affect my relationship with my husband.  i feel that im being bullied.  like a little girl in school, quiet and timid, very nice.  but the same 'niceness' made her vulnerable to bullies.  she is not doing anything to hurt them but nonetheless they want to hurt her.  im the little girl and the devil is the bully.  for a while i put up with his bullying.  but not anymore.  as time goes on, and the reality of married life kicks in, im learning to fight and stand up to my bullies. 

i desired to be loved.  and now that i have that, someone wants to take that away.  the enjoyment of knowing you are loved unconditionally and the security of that.  i know this is only the beginning.  but im ready for the attacks.  im ready to fight, and this time, im not on my own.  i have my prince, my knight in shining armour to protect me in battle.  and then im back to my fairy tale again.

today, i just cried and cried and cried and cried.  i cried till i cant see anything anymore on the street while im driving.  the kind of crying when you feel something is being hammered in your heart.  this is what vulnerability is.  is it? 

i dont know what to feel.  i just dont know anymore.  im so tired.  i just cant afford to give my heart away anymore.  at least what is left of it.  i want to keep it til it is pursued again.  i want love, is that too much to ask.  maybe, it is an expensive thing for anyone to give, even me. 

24 Feb 2007

I just got engaged to the beautiful man.  It was a perfect proposal.  The funky seaside town of Brighton in a wintery day.  The sun was shining for a few minutes.  Me and the love of my life sitting on the pebbly seashore, cuddling.  Then he recited out a poem, the most romantic, well thought of poem with words no poet could match.  A poem that ended with the question, 'Will you marry me?'  A very beautiful, glistening ring was put on my finger after I said 'YES!'.  My life will never be the same again.  I found my prince and will be spending the rest of my life with him.  :) Thank you lord, he is worth the 26 year wait. 

It is a profound feeling

That I’ve never felt before

It radiated hope in my heart

Sorrow, oh sorrows of the past

They are now gone

Vanished before me

By your replenishing desire

To be one

To be part of my life

 

I want to succumb to you

And be an ever trusting lover

I want you to lead my heart

To a vast adventure

Unknown to me

Take my hand, my dearest

Rescue me from my old self

The self who was deeply lost

And bring me back to life

 

A simple word from you

And I’m silent

Your touch is a river of sensations

That drowns me with ecstasy

Your love

Uncovers my mystery

I am fully known

Exposed

But you take care of me

 

I am here right now

And every part of me

Craves for you

I am here right now

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Longing

I am here right now

Loving, loving, loving

You forever

'for God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline'. 

2 tim 1:7

i hate being out of control.  i cant control the changes thats happening in my life.  eg new flat.  so i got to deal with that.  calmly. 

burst into tears.....

ive never been this emotional for a while.  i hate being out of control, again i said it.  i hate it.  i dont like the fact that the person that i truly like can walk away or be taken away anytime.  i have such an immense fear inside. this person has my heart and it can be crushed.  all i have left is trust - something that ive not given away for a long time. 

i am definitely not in my comfort zone anymore.  the comfort zone where my heart is guarded, untouched, and stable.  in that zone it is also stiff, hard, and was not functioning properly.  it is now out in the open.  (blow nose) in a territory that is not very familiar.  it is scared but unlike in the past, someone is beside me.  and ive never been so happy.

i hate not knowing what the future holds.  but God said in Jeremiah 29:11, he knows my future and it is good.  i suppose this person has drawn me closer to God.  i dont have anything to fall back into, i dont have a back up plan except that whatever happens im in Gods hands. 

i want to rid myself of fear.  i want it to go away so badly, to enjoy this person no matter what.  to just live life.  to live a normal 26 year old life.  where i am loved, and i love, and the burden is not on me. 

i am thankful Lord, daddy i am thankful.  please please, comfort me.