'for God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline'. 

2 tim 1:7

i hate being out of control.  i cant control the changes thats happening in my life.  eg new flat.  so i got to deal with that.  calmly. 

burst into tears.....

ive never been this emotional for a while.  i hate being out of control, again i said it.  i hate it.  i dont like the fact that the person that i truly like can walk away or be taken away anytime.  i have such an immense fear inside. this person has my heart and it can be crushed.  all i have left is trust - something that ive not given away for a long time. 

i am definitely not in my comfort zone anymore.  the comfort zone where my heart is guarded, untouched, and stable.  in that zone it is also stiff, hard, and was not functioning properly.  it is now out in the open.  (blow nose) in a territory that is not very familiar.  it is scared but unlike in the past, someone is beside me.  and ive never been so happy.

i hate not knowing what the future holds.  but God said in Jeremiah 29:11, he knows my future and it is good.  i suppose this person has drawn me closer to God.  i dont have anything to fall back into, i dont have a back up plan except that whatever happens im in Gods hands. 

i want to rid myself of fear.  i want it to go away so badly, to enjoy this person no matter what.  to just live life.  to live a normal 26 year old life.  where i am loved, and i love, and the burden is not on me. 

i am thankful Lord, daddy i am thankful.  please please, comfort me.