Most of the time I'm with my husband and do stuff with him. It is so much fun. Going for walks, travelling together, watching movies, spending weekends with him, food shopping etc. I'm loving it. However, there are this instances when I feel so alone. I miss my parents, my family and friends. The ones who truly know me are far away. I just have him and I feel sometimes that I lose myself.
Situations change and now I have to wait a decent amount of time to do what I really want. To go to doctoral school and finish my degree. But will I even be able to do that? We will have kids at some point, family life will take over. They will need attention and all that. I sound so selfish writing this but I feel that I will not have time for my own dreams in the future. It's hard to study when your husband is around what more kids. Plus financially, how can you study, stop working and raise kids at the same time.
I'm very vulnerable spiritually too. Last time I told God that he has cracked a stupid joke at me. Of course I took it back as soon as I said it. After all how can I say that to God right? But that is the good thing about the God that I worship, he loves me and will not hate me if I say my true feelings. I feel that I'm in a big mess. It's hard to plan and visualize the future. I found it so much easier to plan when I was single. Now I have to take a lot of things into consideration. I've always been academic. Now I feel my brain is not challenged at all. Church has good sermons, but for the most part it sucks. I'm trying to really like it. Maybe if I go there long enough something will change. Something died inside me after I got married. I dont know what. Maybe I let it die. I did because I think that is the right thing to do. I dont know its hard to explain. Right now I feel alone. I hate myself for allowing me to be needy and vulnerable to one person. I've been taken away far away from my support group. And of course my husband has his moments of weakness when he can't just show love to me all the time which I constantly need. This is the time when friends and family come in handy, but guess what? They are not here! They're in Europe and Asia! So last night, I decided not be too needy anymore and stop fearing. I'll grow up and sort out stuff like I'm single. To do it as if nobody else is there, just like the old times. I've been so dependent and complacent allowing one person to rule my life. I just dont know. I'm really struggling to work as a team. Is this going to go on forever? I'm bored with life, and scared and worried.
Does it really matter how I feel now anyway? I'm gonna die at some point, all this will be over and I meet God. My passions died inside me. I wish I can find a group of people who can understand that. It seems to me the people here are dull and their lives evolved in one country, one experience. But that is just my prejudice. I'm yet to know them. I maybe just one of them, but I like to just judge. It's funny how you can have someone and feel so alone.
